I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I've blown a few things in my day
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
