You're a womanizer and a bitch.
That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
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