Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
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