So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
