So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
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