Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
