Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
