We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
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