They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
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