you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
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