if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
I just saw a hot homeless man
Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Randomize
