She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
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