Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
