Well you will be happy to know that aaron carter hit on me
Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Do you remember last night at all? Be honest
I need to look at the pictures on my camera to fill in the gaps.
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
