this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
