What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
Randomize
