I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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