He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
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