Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Three Architectural classes: $990.00 Architectural supplies: $300.00 Changing majors and using my architectural supplies to roll blunts: Priceless
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
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