her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
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