i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
Randomize
