I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
Randomize
