I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
I'll name the documentary, "The Adventures of Megan's Vagina"
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
Randomize
