Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
Randomize
