Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
Randomize
