Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
Randomize
