I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Randomize