i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
Randomize
