well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Randomize
