when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Randomize
