I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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