I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
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