Michael Bay diarrhea
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Randomize
