I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
Randomize