Just fell off a train. Bad.
I would go down on you faster than GM stock
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
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