her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
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