I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
