I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
Randomize
