Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
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