we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
