I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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