I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
