It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Randomize
