I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
I'm determined to sit on that face.
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize