Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Randomize