Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
i'm transferring to degrassi. i don't care that it's severely canadian. classes are five minutes long, there's no actual work and you can get oot of class whenever you want to go have a dramatic scene with someone in the hall
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
I wish there were birth control emojis
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
Just puked most of my soul out..
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
