I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Randomize
