I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
You left your underwear on the fireplace
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
Randomize
