I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
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