Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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