If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
we turned studying into a drinking game, she drinks when she gets it right, i drink when she gets it wrong. so we'll be out soon
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
