I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
Randomize
