so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
