im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Randomize
