we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
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