He told me they were just razor bumps!
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
Randomize
