I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
