you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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