I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
Randomize
