the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
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