haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
Randomize
