She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
I forget how to act sober
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
Randomize
