Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
Randomize
